An Autumnal Anniversary

Told you I'd be back and I brought Autumn along with me, how nice of me! So Sunday marked one whole year of marriage and we decided to head to Cardiff after the guys at the Park Plaza offered to host us and treat us to their Pink Afternoon Tea in support of Breast Cancer. With the charity being extremely close to my heart, after my Grams beat the disease, I decided it would be great to go and see what it was about. Cardiff is super pretty and our hotel was situated near the castle and it's park, so you can safely say I was very happy. Especially as Autumn had well and truly got under way on all of those tree's and there was a lot.

The Park Plaza was a very welcoming hotel, we had a fantastically huge bed and everything was super clean. The guys who served us to afternoon tea were extremely polite and accommodating, I would definitely recommend going there for a spot of tea. If you miss October they have a different range of Afternoon Tea, including a new Gentleman's tea that involves mini steak ciabatta's. Steak is enough for me, don't know about you guys. Sorry I don't have more pictures of the tea set up, but the lighting wasn't great. But trust me, the salmon sandwiches and scones were divine.

Yep that's three sets of pillows, HUGE bed. It was really nice to get away from Birmingham for a little while. We managed to have a lovely dinner at a Sushi place they I would highly recommend if you are in Cardiff called Yakitori. We had absolutely no phone reception and it was nice to just sit and enjoy amazing food with my Husband. If you go, make sure to indulge in the Prawn Dumpling Soup...I liked it that much I asked for the recipe. I didn't get it. Overall I had a lovely weekend and really enjoyed how friendly and polite everyone I met in Cardiff seemed to be. Go Wales! Thanks to the lovely folk at the Park Plaza for being so lush.

Jumper- Sugarhill Boutique - Coat- Primark - Hat- H&M


All right loves? Thought I'd drop in and pick up the mood a little, sharing my heart proved very therapeutic and I want to thank you from the bottom of it for all of the emails and kind messages I received. Not only was it amazingly brave of you to share those stories with me, it was thank you and I hope exposing something a little raw helped a few of you feel less alone too.

Apart from listening to the new Ben Howard album, I've been consuming my weight in all sorts of bad foods...coconut gelato in the bath anyone? No? Just me then. Here is an outfit that I wore to afternoon tea for my wedding anniversary, which was yesterday. I can't even explain how quickly that year has gone, we headed to Cardiff and had a wonderful time. I'll share more of that later in the week with you though. 

I picked up this Zara tapestry dress whilst in London with my Mom, she made me buy it because she couldn't get her size. I don't regret it though, even if Olivia looks a million times better in it than me. It's a little short and I can't particularly lean, let alone bend forward, but the colours are so autumnal and I love the pattern. I paired it with my trusty ASOS hat, Topshop gilet &bag and Deichmann boots. Deichmann are actually running a competition to win a trip to Milan for you and a friend up until the 31st October, you simply have to upload a pic of your shoes to Instagram with the hashtag #adayinmydeichmanns for a chance to win. I would like one of you to stop me buying hats and scarves now please, I think I have bought at least five in the past few months. This camel Zara beauty could not be left in the shop though....SNUGGLY.

I'm not perfect.

That makes ten.

Ten months, ten heartbreaks, months of pressure, of expectations, of maybe next time hugs. The hugs don't help, but I pretend they do. I pretend I'm Ok. I pretend to feel better. I pretend that the 'Isn't it time for babies?' question doesn't shatter my heart a little bit more, every time someone asks. I'm a bit fed up of pretending to be honest. Because you know what? I'm not Ok. I'm not. But then ten months in the grand scheme of time is nothing, I know that people have to wait months, years, sometimes decades. I know that people are told every day that they can't have children at all and I know that all over the world women's hearts break over and over again.

I know that I am lucky.

But I'm not perfect. Tears forever fall, expectations forever grow, I strive to be better.

I know that I am loved, so loved. It's so hard to write this, so hard to share it with you. Maybe I hope I'm not alone? Maybe I just need to write it down. I pause a lot whilst I type, so personal I think, so me. Exposing my heart is something I have come to terms with, with this blog. It's an extension of my soul, everything I spill on to it's pages makes the weight from my shoulders lighter. Sometimes I pretend nobody will read it, like a private diary that I will re-read one day. Tell myself, look how it all got better. Look how silly you should feel, you silly girl. Listen to how un-grateful you sound. But I'm not perfect.

My head hurts, swimming with emotions. You see it everywhere you know, when you want it so badly. In the press, with friends, even strangers. Tears pool, but I'm so lucky. I keep repeating, so why does my heart feel so empty? The yearning, I can't explain it, it overwhelms me, it is constant. Every month it doesn't happen feels like someone has wrapped a weight around my heart, and it is drowning. I'm so tired, I don't know if I can post this.

What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

My heart aches.