I'm having another attack again, I just sat in the bath for half an hour trying to make the pain surpass...it only helped a little. They seem to be controlling my life as of late...it's getting to me and although I seem to be able to dish out advice to others, I don't seem to have any for myself. All I want to do is crawl in to a ball and sleep the pain away. People seem to laugh it off as if it's not so serious, but they don't have to feel like I do. It doesn't help that everyone else seems to be having troubles to, gramps is ill and nana too. Seeing the worry embedded in to my mothers face fills me with sadness I can't mend or even attempt to fix. We've lost so many of our family, it's so easy to think the worst all the time.
Sometimes I have to talk it out and can only write, words flow better from my fingers it seems. I had a lovely woman contact me the other day, she thanked me for helping her believe in love again. It made me exultant that someone, a complete stranger could read my words and look at my life and it make her feel happy again. It made me appreciate just how lucky I am and grateful that I have you and your embedded pages to spill my life on. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to turn too, away from my life who could give me a virtual hug and let me know that everything will most certainly work out just fine. Because today is a bad day, a painful day, where I wish I didn't have this stupid illness and all of its issues. Where I didn't have to listen to the pain in my Mother's voice because of work problems and that I could really believe my 'everything will be alright speech' when I re-voice it to her over and over again.
See through all the pretty photographs and silly banter, underneath it all I feel so very exposed. Pressures come from every angle, jealousy and manipulation seems to crop up regularly. Silly, petty things seem so pointless when you have so much real stuff to contend with. People just see the war paint and not the war, everything is all so bubble rapped...which unfortunately, eventually someone will want to pop. So enthralling...other people and their lives, living vicariously through others is so entertaining when you don't want to face your own troubles. But then you have days like today where you have nobody left to live through but yourself.
Nothing left to pin on your mood board but the truth, and most of the time; the truth doesn't seem to fit in to 140 characters.
I understand :)
ReplyDeleteI feel like I don't have anything valuable to write sometimes, but I just want you to know that I understand and if you ever, ever need someone, please just know you are not alone. Huge amounts of love lovely Gem <3 xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove you beautiful girly. Everything will work out in time, I know how you feel with worries and niggling stresses, as well as worrying about family, but it'll all pan out. xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteOh no Gem.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are going through and it is tough and sometimes it seems better to curl up and sleep everything away.
You are such a fantastic photographer I wish I had your talent.
If you need some one to talk to outside the situation, just drop me a line.
Peg x
Email me, bubs. Whether it's a rant or a chat about health, I'm here for you <3 But seriously, send me a message if you want to.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're okay Gem, I'm always here for a chat if you need anything. I'm sure everything will be okay in the end <3
ReplyDeleteI hope your okay. It will get better. I know you dont know me, but if you want you can email, I'll be happy to try and help even if its just listening x
ReplyDeletejodieecharlotte@hotmail.co.uk
Xxxxx
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully Gem. Sending you hugs, it sounds like you, and your family, are going through a lot at the moment and I know it's hard to resist the urge to hide under a blanket and wait for it all to pass. For every one person who wants to pop the bubble wrap there's 100 who want to make you a cup of tea and give you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteLoves xxx
Hope you are okay! I don't want to bombard you but when I feel like this I find praying and meditation very helpful. Also try your best to keep yourself busy and although you may find it hard, spend some time with your mother. I'm sure she is going through a hard time too so you guys can help eachother out.
ReplyDeletex
That was written so beautifully for a piece that is so sad...sometimes it is impossible to keep the smile and that's ok! If you ever need someone to talk to, especially someone who has experienced similiar life events as you you have my email address! In the mean time stay stong lovely! You are wonderful
ReplyDeletexxx
Really hope you are okay. You are never alone, there's bloggers everywhere who are here for you. :)
ReplyDeletexxx
I know how it feels when you worry about your health and there is nobody who'd really understand how you actually feel, even though they want all good for you. If you ever want to talk about anything or just need a virtual hug, don't hesitate to email me. I'm here for you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteLove, Vesna.
Reading this post really struck a chord with me. Please know that you're never really alone in this.
ReplyDeleteAw hun, it will be okay, sadly we have to go through rough times in life but it just means that eventually the good times will roll back around. Try and be strong and plow through, it's hard to do but when faced with problems you can't change yourself you just have to be strong.
ReplyDeleteHope you're alright, and if you ever want to talk to someone impartial you can always drop me an email!!
xxxxx
http://www.rafflesbizarre.blogspot.com
Oh damn did my message not get through...I must not have done the Caption security correctly. Oh well. I hope you feel better today me dear x
ReplyDeleteI saw a film today (Best Exotic Marigold Hotel) and a line in it really struck me... "everything will be alright in the end, and if it isn't alright, it's not the end"
ReplyDeleteI know nobody can really know what you're feeling but you, but I hope you know there are a lot of people who care about you, even if you don't always know! take care xxxx
Sending hugs your way lovely, I think you are amazing <3
ReplyDeleteOh Gem, i'm so sorry to hear your struggling. You'll get through all of this, your a strong, beautiful girl! Just know that your never alone, if you'd ever like to talk i'm here, tweet me @courtzmelv. Take care sweetie xx
ReplyDeleteOh Gem, hope you're alright lovely lady. Sending lotsa big bear hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteLove Aysh xoxo
through your pain you have exposed your beauty through your writing.
ReplyDeleteYou are more amazing than you will ever realise in your entire lifetime.
I am honored to know you .
Stay strong.
I know how you feel! You have a way with words and I seem to be able to relate to them always.
ReplyDeleteStay strong Gem - remember, bad luck comes in threes.. there's always light at the end of a dark tunnel, things happen for a reason and we all have so much love for you!
Sending virtual hugs x