I'm having another attack again, I just sat in the bath for half an hour trying to make the pain surpass...it only helped a little. They seem to be controlling my life as of late...it's getting to me and although I seem to be able to dish out advice to others, I don't seem to have any for myself. All I want to do is crawl in to a ball and sleep the pain away. People seem to laugh it off as if it's not so serious, but they don't have to feel like I do. It doesn't help that everyone else seems to be having troubles to, gramps is ill and nana too. Seeing the worry embedded in to my mothers face fills me with sadness I can't mend or even attempt to fix. We've lost so many of our family, it's so easy to think the worst all the time.
Sometimes I have to talk it out and can only write, words flow better from my fingers it seems. I had a lovely woman contact me the other day, she thanked me for helping her believe in love again. It made me exultant that someone, a complete stranger could read my words and look at my life and it make her feel happy again. It made me appreciate just how lucky I am and grateful that I have you and your embedded pages to spill my life on. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to turn too, away from my life who could give me a virtual hug and let me know that everything will most certainly work out just fine. Because today is a bad day, a painful day, where I wish I didn't have this stupid illness and all of its issues. Where I didn't have to listen to the pain in my Mother's voice because of work problems and that I could really believe my 'everything will be alright speech' when I re-voice it to her over and over again.
See through all the pretty photographs and silly banter, underneath it all I feel so very exposed. Pressures come from every angle, jealousy and manipulation seems to crop up regularly. Silly, petty things seem so pointless when you have so much real stuff to contend with. People just see the war paint and not the war, everything is all so bubble rapped...which unfortunately, eventually someone will want to pop. So enthralling...other people and their lives, living vicariously through others is so entertaining when you don't want to face your own troubles. But then you have days like today where you have nobody left to live through but yourself.
Nothing left to pin on your mood board but the truth, and most of the time; the truth doesn't seem to fit in to 140 characters.