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I wasn't going to write these fears down, so openly...see I'm still rather raw to the news. As much as this blog is open to public eyes, I still see it as my online diary and it is like my therapist. I spill out my life and it doesn't judge me, it just listens and nods and then when I'm ready it lets me move on to the next worry or happy moment I want to share with it.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that this is my blog. It's not a business, or a stepping stone to a career, it's just my space on the internet and sometimes I like to forget that anyone knows me at all. I just want to be able to write, without fear of people thinking I am doing it for attention, sympathy or praise.

This is one of those times.

On Thursday evening I walked in to my Mother's house to be greeted with an immense bubble of emotion, that seemed to have been popped by a cruel passing child. I was met with raw eyes and silence, that can only be described as overwhelming fear. I looked to my Mother, to my Aunt and to my Grandmother and was filled with a deep sense of worry and anguish. Something wasn't right, and the happy and excited pre-weekend away girl left me and ran back out the door. I was greeted with an extremely emotional Grandmother, who couldn't contain her tears, they seemed to be falling like the rain we can't escape at the moment. With one tear filled breath she said four words, I have breast cancer.

My Grandmother has breast cancer, my Grandmother has cancer.

Not only did my world feel like a Tsunami had crashed in to it, but my heart seemed to break right there on my Mother's living room floor. A feeling of not only grief but relief flooded through me, because yes my Nan has cancer but with breast cancer she has some sort of recovery hope? Doesn't she? She's going to be ok right?

She's going to beat this?

Everybody started to sob and the expression on Dale's face can only be described as equally as heartbroken. He was right there, sharing the news, sharing our pain and sharing with me in my heartbreak. Unable to come to me, and unable to know what to do, in that moment I wish I'd had the Neuralyzer from MIB. So I could take away the pain I could see in his eyes and for him to not have to worry about me.

My relationship with my Grandmother has become very close over the past few years, in her age she has mellowed and I have seen such beautiful sides. Such warm, generous and thoughtful things. Although our family has been burdened with Cancer on more than one occasion, this time it feels real. Too real, I want to wake up.

And repeat.

She's going to beat this.

The love I feel for my family is nothing I can describe, every member, even the ones I never see and the ones I never speak. I never want no ill feeling, I want them to be happy and healthy and for all their dreams to come true, but most of all I don't want them to have cancer.

Please make it go away.