Dear Diary

01/03/13

Deary Diary,

Today I took to the passenger seat of Dey's car and we drove the three minute trip to Mom's house. At 4:47pm I walked through the front door and broke my little brother's heart for the second time in the space of twelve months. He knew what I was about to say, tears pooled his eyes and I felt his heart crack in two just like mine had 4 hours earlier.

As I held his hand and told him to be strong I felt like such a hypocrite, how can I expect a 16 year old boy to be strong when I, a 26 year old grown woman am falling apart at the seams. I wanted to scream, just like I do now listening to Dey potter and sing songs to himself in the kitchen. I want to scream, why me, why again, this can't be happening to us.

I feel slightly numb, is that normal? Sometimes I wish I had a switch, something to just turn off all emotions...turn off the pain that is consuming my heart, strangling it so much it feels I can't breathe.

You see Gramps is dying. He has cancer.

There is that word again, a word filled with so much weight. A word that simply can break your world apart, that can take so much from you in such a small amount of time. As is it here and pools of tears fill my eyes, I can't help but write, who to I don't know. But typing the words seems to make me feel slightly better, makes me feel more human, less alone. Because you see, I can't quite believe that this happening...last week we were told that Grandad had atleast ten more years in him, he just had a difficult sodium level. It would be fine with the right medication, he would be there at my wedding. He may even get to see his great grandchildren...how magical.

People go through this everyday, but you see not all people are like Gramps. He has the most inspiring spirit I have ever known, he lived with us for years and he made me feel so safe, he has supported me through everything, been there to give me hugs, wipe my tears, tell me how proud he is. He acts as if he is 35, always on his iPad or his iPhone, showing me apps I already know all about- but listen about all the same. He has a smile so contagious you can't help but smile back, he is the heart of our family, known and loved by so many.

Lying in that hospital bed he's still there, still him, still the man we all know and love. I am so scared that he will disappear, I can't quite comprehend him not being here, not being around. I don't want to hurt anymore, I want to travel back in time. To when I was sitting in the back of his 4x4 with our dog Sam on the way to get some pork pies all the way in Rhyl...there the best you know he would say, worth the trip. We would stop at the top of a mountain at a little cafe, you couldn't see anything but fog...but we would know that we wasn't far away. I want to travel back to the time when we were all sat in a Little Chef and my baby brother uttered his first words, Grangad. I have never seen my Gramps so proud in all his life, his first Grandson uttering those words. Flash forward to today and him welling up again hugging the little brother who now towers above him, stilll so proud of him and the man he has become.

It broke my heart, seeing those tears fall from his eyes.

I wish I could make it all go away, I wish I could go back to that day.

I wish I had more time.

R.I.P Grandad, 02-03-13